Confessions of a New Mom: I love when people tell you that in order to prepare yourself for parenthood you should get a plant or a dog. Are you kidding? A plant? Try a shitting, crying, crawling, walking, playing, eating, hold me -no don’t hold me, dirty, accident prone Tasmanian devil hybrid that multiplies any time you try to sit down or rest. A faking plant…. (Original post date: Sept 15th, 2012)

Alright people. I’m not sure how raising kids resembles watering a lovely plant once a week. And I admit, while kids do have dog-like tendencies such as crapping and eating, they are nowhere near as independent and obedient as dogs and they definitely can’t be returned to the pound when they act up. 😉 So the next time your friends are thinking of having kids and you feel the need to prepare them for what’s to come, don’t just spout off all the cliché phrases that I so often heard. Sure “it will change your life forever” and sure “you will miss your sleep” but try being a little more, well honest. Feel free to reference the above comparison or come up with your own way to spell out the impending doom. But for God’s sakes, don’t compare child rearing to pet ownership or botany!!! Having kids is more like…

“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing  up.” – Ray Romano

“Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

“Raising a child is like taking care of someone who’s on way too many shrooms, while you yourself are on a moderate amount of shrooms. I am not confident in my decisions, but I know you should not be eating a mousepad. – Ron Funches

“The only things kids wear out faster than their shoes is their parents.” –

– The Confessioness