Raunchier than Miley Cyrus, Dirtier than Ke$ha’s Underwear

The hubs has been out of town for the last four days which means my laziness has reached an all-time record high while my “Trophy Wife” status (bahaha) has plummeted…drastically. I didn’t plan to be this disgusting or lazy or pathetic while he was gone, it just happened. I know I have to clean it up before he gets home but in the meantime, I’m shamelessly enjoying the last 48 hours of living in a frat house, acting and looking like a total skank.

I’m a hot mess.

I’ve managed to reuse the same pair of socks three times. BUT in my defense it was because I left the wet laundry in the washing machine…from last week…

We ran out of towels (because of the laundry situation I mentioned above) so I improvised and used one of my husbands T-shirts to dry my son off from his bath. Is there a White Trash Award?

True or False? I used yesterday’s left over bacon grease to cook today eggs???

I pulled out those infamous granny pantiesΒ that I love so much and I haven’t looked back. In fact, I’m thinking of telling my husband we were burglarized and that someone stole all of my g-string underwear.

I didn’t make my son homemade soup for dinner. I bought it. In a can. And microwaved it! I know…I’m going to hell.

After not showering for 3 days, my hair has taken on that glisteny, greasy, Afro Sheen look…which does not look good on a while girl with long thin hair. It gives me that Emo, “Cousin It” look.

In fact, everything about me is greasy right now. My mom says I look like I rolled in Crisco…I’m not sure I have a comeback.

My dinner last night consisted of potato chip crumbles from the bottom of the bag, a limp (possibly moldy) carrot dipped in garlic spread, some shredded cheese, half a guacamole sandwich (WTF) Β and some gummy bears. If you don’t believe me, check my computer keyboard for evidence.

Since I haven’t showered, I haven’t shaved. I have so much leg hair I could donate to Locks of Love.

I haven’t bothered to brush my hair at all. My new style routine: Wake up, crab one of those claw looking clips, twist up and secure.

The sink is overflowing with dishes. We have no paper plates. I used a Frisbee I found in the office. And then I left it there, along with my half eaten Kraft Mac N Cheese, which if you know me, is against all of my morals (not the dirty Frisbee part. Just the Kraft Mac & Cheese Part). The fact that I was desperate enough to eat that nuclear, chemical crap goes to show you just how lazy I’ve been.

I found a rotten apple stashed in my son’s toy box that was growing a new life form (this one attests to how dirty he is. Not me.)

In four more days I could totally braid my arm pit hair. Totally.

I’m a hot mess.

Don’t judge.

– The Confessioness

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7 comments

  1. at least you have time to blog

    1. I think that’s my problem, Blake

  2. I’m dying on the floor laughing Nicole!! You look like you rolled in Crisco!! Your mom just kills meee!! Thank you for being so honest and real! Know that we are all there with you on the laziness and raunchiness. I pray that throughout my day no one notices my toes and fingernails which haven’t seen a mani or pedi in months!!This kid business is freakin HARD!!!

    1. Regina – somehow I doubt you EVER look anything but beautiful!

  3. Oh Nicole, your humor always puts a smile on my face. I don’t even have a kid and sometimes I can donate my leg hair to Locks of Love too. What will happen when I actually do have a child only the heavens above know…

    1. Then you will donate your arm pit hair to Locks of Love πŸ˜‰

  4. […] market for a new hair style because, as I mentioned before, I’m starting to resemble a really greasy version of “Cousin It”. I’ve got that total frumpy homeless mom look going on. I like to call it “Hobo […]

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