As you know from the “About Me” section, this blog was born out of all the crazy observations I had in my first year of being a Mom. I will continue to post about all of my current confessions but first let’s pay tribute to some of my favorite confessions from 2013! This one is particularly fun for me to repost partly because it was my very first confession and partly because it brings back some seriously funny memories.
Confessions of a New Mom: I love my new mesh granny panties. (Original post date: December 18th, 2012)
Unless you’re one of those moms that gave birth on the Serengeti or some other remote area of the world, you probably know what mesh granny panties I’m taking about. You know, the ones they give you at the hospital? The ones that resemble, in both size and style, a fisherman’s net. Yeah those. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, then you got jipped. I’ll explain…
When my son Weston was born, I thought it was a sick practical joke when the nurse handed me my hospital supplied “underwear”. WTF are these? Was this someones idea of a gag gift? Those unflattering, white, mesh, boxer-style-underwear-short-fisherman-net looking things looked like they were big enough to fit a humpback whale and with all those holes they were sure to prove leaky, no? And at the same time they resembled something a Red Light District stripper would wear. I was baffled not to mention embarrassed when my husband saw me “wearing” them (if that’s what you could call it). He probably thought he caught himself a water buffalo! As if giving birth isn’t totally unsexy to begin with someone had to go and make it worse by inventing these self-esteem killing cargo nets?!
I mean seriously…who thought of these? A frikin’ angel, that’s who! Let me tell you, after 3 days of failed labor resulting in a C-Section, those “panties” felt like a little slice of delivery heaven. Sure they were offensive looking but man it felt like I was wearing air. Really, really ugly air. So when the nurse offered to send me home with a few extra, I happily and quickly said “yes” and cleared out every last stitch she had hiding in the bathroom. Winning!
Needless to say it was a sad sad day in my house (At least for me. I think my husband did a little happy dance) when my stash ran out. I scoured the internet for a hospital supply store. I thought about finding them on the black market. But alas, I gave up and resigned myself to the fact that at some point my fat ass was once again going to have to squeeze into some thoroughly uncomfortable dental floss, as is the fate for all women who have any chance of mating with the opposite sex. But I was married and had just given birth, two things that pretty much equal no mating. Therefore I continued my search and finally found some cotton runner-ups in the granny panty section of Rite Aid..and then I rejoiced once again! But oh how I long for those cheaply made, chemical smelling hospital grannies that I loved so much.
Farewell mesh granny panties. Until we meet again…