Because Faith is Beyond My Reach

Life is incredible. It really is.

If your my friend it’s not uncommon to hear me say, “I love my life!” It’s kind of my phrase. I tend to blurt it out in some insignificant moment when nothing particularly amazing is happening, other than allowing myself to fully absorb said moment. It’s something I’ve come to appreciate about myself; my ability to find richness in the most unsuspecting experiences. And I do love this life. I’m in constant awe of the wonderment that surrounds me; by the compassion and greatness that is the human existence. Most of my days are filled with so much love and grandeur that I want to cry tears of gratitude for the phenomenal blessings bestowed upon me.

But today my tears are inspired not by beauty but by pain. My family suffered a terrible, unthinkable blow this week. One that is beyond my comprehension. Its incredible, really. So unimaginably and horrifyingly incredible. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong. To have faith. To believe. But I can’t. I just can’t seem to get there.

In fact, I want to take all of those cliche sayings and punch them in their face. And then I want to kick them when they’re down and spit in their eye. Because faith means that I have to let go and have complete confidence in something bigger than me. It requires me to believe that “everything happens for a reason” and that “God works in mysterious ways.” It asks me to just believe. But I’m not buying it right now. Believing isn’t going to change this circumstance. God isn’t going to heal this wound. And faith isn’t going provide me with any excusable reason or explanation for why things like this happen. They just do. They just fucking happen.  I may feel differently in a few weeks or maybe even a few days. But right now, I don’t have the ability to let go. All I have are tears…and they’re drowning out every ounce of faith I’ve ever had.

When the time comes, I promise to be strong. I will put on my big girl panties and muster up the strength to be positive and hopeful and full of fight. (If you’re my friend you also know that I’m good at fighting.) But right now I’m lost in disbelief and trying to find my way back. I feel myself betraying everything I know to be true about this beautiful life. I feel myself questioning the fairness of it all. Even though in my heart I know it has nothing to do with being fair. It’s life. And life is incredible.

To my family – I love you beyond measure. To this beautiful life – I will be back, full of gratitude once again. I just need some time to curse your name and throw a temper tantrum and maybe even tell you to fuck off. Because faith is beyond my reach right now.

– The Confessioness

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2 comments

  1. […] last time I was here I had just found out that my 22 year old sister had been diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive form of liver cancer. […]

  2. […] home on my kitchen counter top. I find myself talking to the ice at the bottom of my glass about faith. How is this happening? WHY is this happening? How will any of us survive this? I struggle to […]

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