Rage Against the Eliptical Machine – My New Year’s Revolutions


It’s that time of year when we conjure up all sorts of resolutions that will somehow make us “better” in the New Year. We pledge to quit smoking. Cut back on caffeine. Get more rest. My all-time favorite: we will declare war on our overindulged bodies, vowing to replace Twinkies for green beans and the couch for the treadmill. We make half-hearted promises that we know we can’t keep.

Well I say rage against the Elliptical machine! No really…I hate that machine. And I hate new years resolutions. And if your new years goals are anything like mine, you’ve never followed through with learning to speak Russian or taking harp lessons.The farthest you’ve ventured from the couch is to the refrigerator door, which you’ve opened ten times hoping that something new will appear, hoping something will peak your interest.

So I’m approaching my New Years revolutions a little different this year. That’s right. Revolutions. I’m revolting. Every year I typically vow to add 8 days a week to my gym routine, while simultaneously subtracting all calories or items from my diet in an effort to “look” better. I always start the year off strong. I clear my house out of all the “junk” food I have, which means I just throw out perfectly good food.

I make a symphony of healthy meal plans consisting of birdseed and grass and then take myself straight to Whole Foods where I stock up on gluten-free, dairy-free, meat-free, fat-free, calorie-free, flavor-free items that are sure to help me shed those pounds! I prepare creative dinners that require only ten days of sprouting, some yeast starters, bovine gelatin and something called Casein. And when I serve them up to my husband he smiles politely and eats said “food” but I can see my granola looking reflection in his eyes and even I want to vomit on the $32 triple fermented Kombucha juice I just bought.

Well…I’m over it. This year I’m going to focus on how I feel…not how I look. Because the truth is how I look is completely correlated to how I feel about myself anyway. So, yesterday I practiced catering to my feelings – and I felt like taking my ass right down to The Habit and getting myself a burger and fries. And might I add…I feel GREAT! Now that’s one New Years resolution I can keep!

So go on. Revolt. And let me know how you feel 😉

– The Confessioness

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